There are 7427 blatant absurdities in the bible. Among them:
There are many times when God had a wet dream and the Bible ended up with some very XXX rated, dirty, nasty stories. It should be a deadly sin if one fails to wash his/her hands after reading the bible. It is that dirty.
Onan and Er are biblical brothers; thus we can expect the same biblical scenario: one good and the other wicked of course. So God kills Er. A few days after the funeral, Judah, Onan’s dad, told him to go in unto his dead brother’s wife, whose name is Tamar. Onan obliges and does the deed with Tamar, but, at the last moment, he pulls out. Maybe he was thinking about child support. Too bad for him… because God was watching.
(-Genesis 38:1 And it came to pass at that time, that Judah went down from his brethren, and turned in to a certain Adullamite, whose name was Hirah.2 And Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite, whose name was Shuah; and he took her, and went in unto her.3 And she conceived, and bare a son; and he called his name Er.4 And she conceived again, and bare a son; and she called his name Onan.5 And she yet again conceived, and bare a son; and called his name Shelah: and he was at Chezib, when she bare him.6 And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar.7 And Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him.8 And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.10 And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.11 Then said Judah to Tamar his daughter in law, Remain a widow at thy father’s house, till Shelah my son be grown: for he said, Lest peradventure he die also, as his brethren did. And Tamar went and dwelt in her father’s house.)
This is the passage that biblical peddlers use to make masturbation a sin, even when Onan did not masturbate at all. He pulled out. God didn’t kill him for going in unto his brother’s widow, he culled him for pulling out. So all you non-finishing condom wearers, beware. I feel very lucky, because if God killed everyone who masturbated, I would have been dead a long time ago.
—– Part deux —
Not too long after the deaths of Er and Onan, her two lovers, Tamar was back in the desert news. The last time we left Tamar, Judah asked her to go back to and stay at her dad’s place. Somehow:
[-Genesis 38:15 When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot; because she had covered her face.16 And he turned unto her by the way, and said, Go to, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee; (for he knew not that she was his daughter in law.) And she said, What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me?]
Instead of “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”, we are privileged to learn the best biblical excuse of all times: “I thought she was a prostitute, but she was really my daughter-in-law!” Yes, after the death of his two sons, daddy Judah went in unto Tamar and got her pregnant. She must have been better looking than Jacob’s other wife, Rachel.
(Leviticus 20:12 And if a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their blood shall be upon them.)
Let’s wonder no more about love in the countryside, at a family reunion or in the field. (Exodus 22:19 Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death.)