Biblical stupidity part 97

There are 7427 blatant absurdities in the bible. Among them:
(My mission in life is to find and destroy absurdities, fight ignorance and educate. My advice to Christians has always been the same: please, read the bible. Do not carry it under your armpit, take the time to open and read it. You owe it to yourself to know what you have in your home, next to your children and family.)

Like the trinity, when creation becomes the subject of a conversation, one can expect long detours, going off topic, getting off topic, with the usual mumbo-jumbo frontier gibberish rambling lost into an area that isn’t the focus of present business. Many cannot wait to go off on a tangent, avoid the theme altogether and wander in every direction but the subject at hand. This is when I always make the decision to interrupt and object to the inane ad nauseum yapping that can annoy most people to no end.

There is no doubt that before the final Adam and Eve were created, there were a few other attempted prototypes, because God messed up many times. The true original Adam was created as an androgyne of male and female bodies joined back to back. God’s original thought may have been to create two human beings, male and female; but instead he screwed up and designed a single one with a male face looking one way, and a female face looking the other way.
-Genesis 1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

If the bible is correct, (27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.) and luckily it’s in the good book, then we have the image of an hermaphroditic god.
This “intelligent” design raised the first red flag since locomotion and sex were most likely at best difficult. Conversation was also awkward, as each kept telling the other “don’t you turn your back on me when I am talking to you”. God, when he got sober and back on his medications, divided the androgyne and gave each half a new customized rear end. That’s where the song “Baby got back” came from. What happened to these two first humans remains a mystery. And God is not talking; he works in delirious ways.
In Genesis 1, Adam with the first modified and improved woman are created at the same time, before Genesis 2 establishes Eve, a second woman, as the product of Adam’s rib. Thus we have the legend of Lilith.
Lilith was Adam’s first wife, half of the androgynous prototype who received the new backs. She was created from the earth, just as Adam was; and for all instances and purposes, they were equals. This equality was a problem for Adam who wanted to be in charge and that drove Lilith and Adam apart. After the surgical separation, Adam insisted on a dominant sexual missionary position, but Lilith wanted to straddle him sometimes facing either forward or back in the cowgirl position, insisting “Why must I lie beneath you? I also was made from dust, and am therefore your equal” and they ended up quarreling. Yeehaw!! Adam missed out on a great sex position.
Because Adam tried to compel her obedience by force, their union eventually failed and Lilith, in a rage, uttered the magic name of God, rose into the air and left him. Adam complained to God: “I have been deserted by my helpmeet”. God at once sent the angels Senoy, Sansenoy and Semangelof to fetch Lilith back. They located her beside the Red Sea, entertaining a few demons. When she was told that God wanted her to return to Adam in the Garden of Eden, she refused and became a demon driven to kill babies in retaliation for Adam’s mistreatment and God’s insistence on slaying 100 of her progeny daily.”
Lilith derived from the ancient Sumerian myth of Lility, the demon spirits of men and women who died young. Lilith’s children are called lilim. Lilith’s more horrific aspects can be traced back to Lamashtu, the daughter of the ancient Mesopotamian sky god Anu. Lamashtu was said to slay children and feast on men. That’s where the word “man-eater” came from.
Lilith also appears in The Epic of Gilgamesh, on a tablet dated to roughly 2000 BCE. There, she is a demon that Gilgamesh forces to flee and take refuge in a desolate area, an element that remains consistent in her tale over time.
From Babylonia, the legend of “the lilith” spread to ancient Anatolia, Syria, Israel, Egypt and Greece. Lilith appears in the Bible only once, and it’s not even by name. In Isaiah 34:14, the author refers to the “night bird,” “night monster,” or “nocturnal creature,” depending on which translation of the Bible you’re reading. When the Book of Isaiah mentions a nefarious night creature living among the ruins, biblical scholars believe the passage is referring to Lilith.

After a few strong drinks laced with mushroom tea, it was back to the drawing board; so God took a bucket of dirt and some water; and bingo, he invented Adam again.
-Genesis 2:7 And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

The new Adam’s first sexual intercourse was with animals, not women. Genesis 2:20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

So the next time you see a farmer helping his sheep over the fence, keep in mind that it was God’s will.

God tried again after taking more medications and fashioned a new Eve from Adam’s rib to ensure her obedience to her man. He struck gold and Adam was entranced.

Genesis 2:21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. (First case of human cloning)

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