There are 7427 blatant absurdities in the bible. Among them:
1 Thessalonians 4:17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
To all true believers, the time has come to take care of business before you secure your place in heaven. Right before you sit at the table with the Lord to enjoy a feast of manna for eternity, take care of your earthly responsibility.
For over 2000 years, people have been waiting for the Rapture. Since animals will not be welcomed in heaven, after several meetings, donations and prayers, with the Holy Spirit negotiating on my behalf, I am proud to report that I have been chosen as an authorized “Rapture pet caretaker”.
For a small fee of $150, payable right now, I will take care of your pets when you leave this earth to be with the Lord. This last good deed is not an option, as one of the questions at your judgment may be: how did you provide for your animal companions “left behind”. Please do not take any chance with your salvation. Before you flap your arms like a buzzard and take flight to meet Jesus on cloud nine, the one that feels like Charmin, please secure your eternity with Jesus.
Don’t burn forever for a lousy $150 in this life. Cash only, please.
Also available for an extra $50 is a signed and blessed document, written in Latin, that I will fax, on your behalf, to Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Signed receipt from Peter, or Paul, on Peter’s day off, can be picked up at my office, after your verdict, before you go up or down.
The first 20 people, to send the money within the next hour, will receive a heavenly weekend pass to sleep next to a Catholic priest or a Southern Baptist.