How was your Sunday?

I am presently working on one of the great mysteries of life, devoting more time to understand the propensity of Christians to impose themselves, uninvited, in people’s life. And, before anyone has the wrong idea and thinks that I am a meanie, I am not complaining. I am grateful for it; it helps my study.

At what time in history, did believers receive a carte blanche to freely judge everyone on Earth? And since I am talking for myself, when did the get the key to my life?

I have a special group of “acquaintances” I try to see as often as a Christmas card. They all belong to the same cult and worship in the same cave. No matter how many times I refused to partake in their delusion, they keep asking.

As you might have guessed, yesterday was Christmas in March. Despite my best judgment, they insisted that I met with the group for dinner together. I must mention that every single one in the group knows that I don’t eat commercially sold meat, or processed food; both of which made up the entire menu. So, in the spirit of togetherness, I went to say “hi, how are you?”, talk for a few minutes and go home. The real reason for joining them is the benefit of getting free insight on the progression of their hallucination. I get to hear secret and sacred conversations about who received what prophecy or vision from the holy spirit, what God meant when he said whatever, and what God is thinking at the moment. It’s a lot of fun for me. It has been my long time personal quest to study why humans are so prone to dysfunction.

After the usual greeting, I was sideswiped by a reminder that everyone was praying for me to come back to church. That made my day! They actually missed me. Here I was, happy like a dog with a full belly, on another beautiful day, in a warm corner, with plenty of glorious time to lick my cojones, and people were praying for me to be happier. Yes, I am that lucky. I wished I could get tears to stream down my face; I was moved. Or maybe it was my bowels. Never in my life, have I seen people care so much. It’s very hard for me to imagine and understand why they insisted on wanting so much for me, when I couldn’t handle more happiness. That’s when I realized how lucky I was. I was happier than the pope seeing a hooker in church, with a $20 donation.

These bastards, er, I mean friends, could have been taking care of their families, or pushing their version of Sharia Law on this great nation; instead, they chose to take the time out of their busy lives to worry about me, to pray for me. I felt so honored, and in my modesty, I thought “what cheaper gift could they have given me, other than prayers?” I could come up with nothing. I have already received a freaking lottery ticket (ONE TICKET) from a neighbor, at Christmas time, and he proceeded to remind me not to forget him if I should win the jackpot. Suddenly, in the midst of my caring friends, I felt closer to my neighbor.

An urgent beep on the cell phone got my attention; with a heavy heart, I had to say “goodbye” to the group. We promised to see each other again very soon. I rushed home, “Life below zero” was showing in 10 minutes. I have priorities.

1 thought on “How was your Sunday?”

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