Salvation for dummies

A few swindlers are still trying to find a place for religion to fit in the modern way of life. People, who cannot understand the simple concept of a 4-way stop sign, are suddenly the geniuses who are quick to quote John 3:16. Let’s help them out.
In a nutshell, God sacrificed himself to himself to appease himself in order to change a rule that he made in the first place, so he won’t have to roast us alive, his beloved creation that he wanted to destroy so badly, for ever and ever on his barbecue pit or his lake of fire, brimstones and hot coal.
We cannot even comprehend that he loves us so much that he wants to kill us; but if we don’t love him back, he will hasta la vista our soul into his molten lava jacuzzi for all eternity. Lucky for us, he is good, merciful and prefers to hire dead people to work in his heavenly plantation.
The first 6 days of creation were great, everything was good and dandy. Then, the sky started to cave in when God ran out of medications and his temper started to flare up like a pack of inflamed hemorrhoids. But the worse was yet to happen when his crystal ball broke and he could not longer foretell the future. Instead of calling the Psychic Friends Network for help, God decided that eliminating the witnesses would be the way to avoid a criminal trial.
The idea of a good and merciful biblical God is as stupid as it gets. It is just dumb to believe that a fairy went through all the trouble of creating a universe, found everything good, then five and half hours later, got pissed off because a couple of microbes failed to obey and worship him. The Christian God is a very needy God… in need of idiots.

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