There are 7427 blatant absurdities in the bible. Among them:
Today’s biblical comment will focus on the Lord’s prayer. (KJV Version)
Matthew 6:5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.9 After this manner therefore pray ye:
Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.10 Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.11 Give us this day our daily bread.12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
Let’s follow Jesus’ little yellow snow road.
Before we can even begin the prayer, Jesus set out a few damn rules. Among them, you can’t fake it until you make it. Don’t spread your arms like Dracula; don’t shake your booty like you are at Mardi-Gras and, most of all, don’t force the people in the next pew to wonder if marijuana is still legal. Don’t be a hypocrite, prancing, showboating, duck walking, delivering the prayer in cadence, or dancing in the church like you have a seizure; just bow your stupid head, get on your knees, close your eyes and quietly talk to the voices in your head. If you do, your father who is in the closet will reward you and let you pull his finger.
Jesus may have been smoking something himself, because I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t recite this prayer like a parrot; so Jesus is up the creek without a paddle.
Jesus said: Your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.
Let’s dig deeper into that. You may as well forget about winning the lottery or getting in the pants of that girl who works at the corner store. If God already knows what ye have need of, before ye ask him, what is the sense of praying in the first place. If the aim of the prayer can be found in the grand scheme of his divine plan, it will happen regardless of the prayer. On the other side of the wafer, if nailing that hot little waitress is not in the approved godly things, and you went ahead by faith and swallow all three Viagra pills, well you better rush to the store and immediately acquire 2 advanced orthopaedics deluxe sling and swathe shoulder immobilizers for your arms.
Now that you have followed the preliminary rules, you may start:
“Our Father which art in heaven”. Yes, God the father may be everywhere but, let’s forget that for this prayer, and address him as daddy in the skies. This special prayer is like sending an email to the computer in his office, and not at Joey’s house where he is “healing” another child. If you know what I mean.
Hallowed be thy name. God gets very pissed off if you say “hollow” instead of “hallowed”. I know they sound the same, but try your best. And don’t say “Hello” either.
Thy kingdom come. We have been praising his name consistently for 2000 years and still, this kingdom that he promised hasn’t come. This time, it’s personal. It’s not just Jesus who will come, the whole damn kingdom is coming. God is using the entire fleet of angels to move something he doesn’t have. Maybe he will be using asses, because there are a lot of asses in heaven, or God may use all the asses in the bible.
Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. There are plenty of idiots waiting for thy will to be done on Earth; they are already flapping their arms in anticipation. And they are betting their money on it, at every service. But let’s face reality: the Devil is in charge here on Earth right now; look around and see all the wars, diseases, the Catholic priests, the pope, the Southern Baptists, The LDS morons; look at all the things that God saw that it was good. And it doesn’t look like God’s luck will change in heaven.
Give us this day Our daily bread. On second thought, Lord, forget the bread, we are sick of the manna. Lord, give us the coffee to change the things we can change, and the wine to accept the things we can’t. Let’s go around the world and see how many innocent children and their parents who cannot even afford one meal a day. 13 million kids go to bed hungry every single night, in the US alone. Some of these helpless people are Christians who pray this prayer every single day. We see these helpless fellows every day and instead of us questioning God and asking him why he prefers to make life so cruel for some people, instead we get down on our knees and praise him for nothing.
And forgive us our debts, As we forgive our debtors. Dear God, we already called Visa, the banks, the mortgage company, uncle Larry, the city, the IRS, the Federal government and told them our debts have been forgiven.
Another version replaced forgive us our debts with “And forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us”. Let’s be serious and accept that God refused to forgive us. If you think he had forgiven us, then why do we still suffer injustice and die as a result of the original sin?
And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. The Temptations were good but we need other singing groups to diversify; please deliver us some more e-mails. But seriously, Jesus should have said: help us get rid of falsehood, superstition, and failing to recognize reality. Religion is one of the most common guises these “evils” come in, so we need to do our best to be delivered from it.
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Forever is a long time, God, please reconsider because you are not doing well so far. There is no glory if God decided to treat us like crap, just because God owns the kingdom. Also, since the devil is ruling in a world created by God, then maybe God is not powerful enough to defeat him and take control of the earth. And lastly, he does not deserve any glory because he had not done anything worthy for humanity.
Amen. Or should we say Amen-Ra?
So, children of all ages, as we can see, Jesus was merely stroking himself when he came up with that sham of a prayer. There is no reason to worship a daddy in the skies, he has done nothing for us; everything he did was done to us. Shame on him.