I want to be the first to say “atta boy” to all Christians, even if there are two remaining acts on the circus program: the egg hunt and the rocket launch. How I survived this past weekend is beyond human explanation. I would like to express my sincere admiration to all Christians; thanks to you, I am healthier because laughter is the best medicine. What you are doing is nothing short of perplexing. I have seen many people perform the same feats you are doing, but, in their defense, they were drunk. You are doing it without the need for alcohol, and that, my friends, raises the stake. You are proof that delusion is stronger than spirits (as in alcohol).
Now in your Sunday’s best, you are proudly cheating your family out of some quality time to help the church brainwash and lie to the children. Bravo. Oh, yes, of course they will have plenty of fun looking for Easter eggs laid by the rabbit. The pastor will see to that. Please make sure the kids are not sexually abused during all that celebration.
Once again, congrats on breeding Jesus and a rabbit; both are good egg layers. Now that you have a new and improved Jesus, hopefully the 9 million children who suffer and die, every year, will finally get some help. Now that Jesus is back, he has risen, 16 million children across the US will have something to eat tonight before bedtime. Now that Jesus has triumphed over death, your pastor will no longer need the personal airplane you have been making payments on. Onward Christian soldiers.
This year, I am a bit disappointed in the whole thing because I wanted a little more. If Taco Bell can add gusto to its chalupas, why can’t a cult spice up an old moronic and dull celebration? Cinco de Mayo has more satisfied followers. Believe it or not, the missing ingredient is NASA. I am seriously considering sending a request to NASA on Jesus’ behalf. I expect the government to let us down, but not NASA. Santa has more credibility than Jesus; that’s the sad part of Easter, and it’s because Jesus is not NASA approved. I wish NASA would have extended the same courtesy to Jesus, as it did Santa.
The reason most people believe in Santa is because, every year, NASA, the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) and the Continental Air Defense Command (CONRAD) tracked the big fat 400 lbs drunk idiot across the US spacious skies, amber waves of grain, purple mountain majesties and above the fruited plain! NASA has a $ 21.5 billion budget. Many know the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) also tracks Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve. Few know how much it costs the American taxpayer. The Government Accountability Office (GAO) puts the cost of tracking Santa at $231 billion this year, a ten percent increase from 2012. The Continental Air Defense Command has a budget of $ 716 billion. No one in their right mind would waste that kind of money on something frivolous. If that much equipment, that much taxpayer’s money, that many government employees are needed to complete a task, it’s either very important or it’s election time. It helps the credibility issue to see Santa leaving the North Pole and delivering presents to children around the world.
My feelings are hurt, damaged even, and I want to know the name of the gentile who decided not to extend the same courtesy to Jesus. It would have been swell to see a close up of Jesus dropping his solid rocket boosters back on Earth. After all, he didn’t have time to use a toilet before the cruci-fiction and it would have been the perfect time to excommunicate the big supper he had with his 11 lovers.
On another level, Easter should be a time of renewal; after all, spring is in the air and Nature is back to the warm days of plants shooting up toward the heavens. Just as Nature is producing new leaves and new flowers, let’s not renew the silly and inane things from the past. Donate your extra cash to the food pantry, to the children’s hospital, do not use it to inflate your pastor’s bank account so he can take his mistresses on one more shopping spree. Heck, if you really desire a great, tremendous renewal, send me the money. I promise to put it to good use.
In all this excitement, I must offer an unrequested advice. You told the kids to look for chocolate eggs laid by a rabbit. You also told them about a zombie rising from the dead. At some point in their lives, the children will return the favor and lie to you; please don’t get mad at them, they learned that behavior from you. When the pastor invited everyone to the Easter egg hunt, you should have let your decency take over and tell him to kick rocks.