There are 7427 blatant absurdities in the bible. Many biblical books were deemed so stupid that 1800 imbeciles decided to ban them from the approved bible, in 325AD. Next comes The first Gospel of the INFANCY of JESUS CHRIST. (Sit tight, hang on, we are about to discover some major BS.)
1 The child circumcised in the cave, 2 and the old woman preserving his foreskin or navel-string in a box of spikenard, Mary afterwards anoints Christ with it. 5 Christ brought to the temple, 6 shines, 7 angels stand around him adoring. 8 Simeon praises Christ.
AND when the time of his circumcision was come, namely, the eighth day, on which the law commanded the child to be circumcised, they circumcised him in the cave.
2 And the old Hebrew woman took the foreskin (others say she took the navel-string), and preserved it in an alabaster-box of old oil of spikenard.
3 And she had a son who was a druggist, to whom she said, Take heed thou sell not this alabaster box of spikenard-ointment, although thou shouldst be offered three hundred pence for it.
4 Now this is that alabaster-box which Mary the sinner procured, and poured forth the ointment out of it upon the head and the feet of our Lord Jesus Christ, and wiped it off with the hairs of her head.
5 Then after ten days they brought him to Jerusalem, and on the fortieth day from his birth they presented him in the temple before the Lord, making the proper offerings for him, according to the requirement of the law of Moses: namely, that every male which opens the womb shall be called holy unto God.
6 At that time old Simeon saw him shining as a pillar of light, when St. Mary the Virgin, his mother, carried him in her arms, and was filled with the greatest pleasure at the sight.
7 And the angels stood around him, adoring him, as a king’s guards stand around him.
8 Then Simeon going near to St. Mary, and stretching forth his hands towards her, said to the Lord Christ, Now, O my Lord, thy servant shall depart in peace, according to thy word;
9 For mine eyes have seen thy mercy, which thou hast prepared for the salvation of all nations; a light to all people, and the glory of thy people Israel.
10 Hannah the prophetess was also present, and drawing near, she gave praises to God, and celebrated the happiness of Mary.
Verses 1 to 4 are the most interesting of the entire bible. Let’s dive into the subject of the holy prepuce.
When God “created” the human body, the bible reports that he saw that it was very good. (Genesis 1:31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.) Leave it to religion to present circumcision as proof that “the Jew’s penis sinned against creation”.
We are told that Jesus rose from the dead and flew to heaven, just like Muhammad and his horse, Elijah, the virgin Mary, Enoch, Santa Claus, and many more. But Jesus left behind the tip of his dick.
In the Middle Ages the fingers, toes, hands, hair, or any body part of the Saints, holy men, and even Jesus himself, became the rage and must-have holy relic for the religious. To have a physical piece of the body of Christ was beyond anyone’s imagination and yet that very thing, the foreskin of Jesus Christ, was gifted to Pope Leo III by Emperor Charlemagne. Charlemagne gifted the Pope the Holy Prepuce (as it was come to be known) on December 25th in honor of Pope Leo III crowning Charlemagne as the Emperor of the Romans. Thus begins a long history of foreskins appearing throughout Europe as the one and only, true foreskin of Jesus Christ.
Because the physical body of Christ was resurrected three days after his crucifixion, the foreskin which was taken from Jesus Christ, eight days after his birth, would be the only physical trace of Christ on Earth… making it a priceless, valuable, and brag-worthy relic for anyone to own.
Apparently, Jesus multiplied more than bread and fish, because churches and abbeys at Charroux, Paris, Boulogne, Metz, Le Puy, Nancy, Besançon, Coulombs and Conques in France, Hildesheim in Germany, Antwerp and Bruges in Belgium, and Calcata in Italy all at some stage claimed to own Jesus’s foreskin, or a piece of it.
But, the following remains the best part of all stories about the holy penis. Saint Bridget hailed from Sweden; given the birth name Agnes Blannbekin. Her tale alone adds an eyebrow raising ingredient to the soup of foreskin stories. Her relation to the foreskin of Christ was recorded by a Franciscan monk who wrote that she refused to eat meat after her inclusion in the Third Order of Saint Francis located in Vienna in the year 1260 because the body of Christ was enough for her. This was not figurative, she meant the literal body of Christ was enough. She told others she actually felt the foreskin of Christ in her mouth and she claimed to meet states of arousal upon the manifestation of Christ to her. What the monk recorded though, was Saint Bridget’s accounts of eating the foreskin by feeling it in her mouth, swallowing, and doing so over a hundred times until she finally touched the foreskin that appeared in her mouth and it slid down her throat on its own. She claims in eating the foreskin it was revealed to her that the foreskin disappeared from the Earth on the day of Christ’s resurrection. She said that in eating the foreskin she underwent a transformation as sweet as the taste of the foreskin.
If, like she revealed, the foreskin disappeared from the Earth on the day of Christ’s resurrection, where did she find the one she was sucking on? Just when you thought the bible was immune to porn.