There are 7427 blatant absurdities in the bible. Many biblical books were deemed so stupid that 1800 imbeciles decided to ban them from the approved bible, in 325AD. Next comes The first Gospel of the INFANCY of JESUS CHRIST. (Sit tight, hang on, we are about to discover some major BS.)
1 Mary looks on a woman in whom Satan had taken up his abode, and she becomes dispossessed. 5 Christ kissed by a bride made dumb by sorcerers, cures her, 11 miraculously cures a gentlewoman in whom Satan had taken up his abode. 16 A leprous girl cured by the water in which he was washed, and becomes the servant of Mary and Joseph. 20 The leprous son of a prince’s wife cured in like manner. 37 His mother offers large gifts to Mary, and dismisses her.
THEN they went into another where there was a woman possessed with a devil, and in whom Satan, that cursed rebel, had taken up his abode.
2 One night, when she went to fetch water, she could neither endure her clothes on, nor to be in any house; but as often as they tied her with chains or cords, she brake them, and went out into desert places, and sometimes standing where roads crossed, and in churchyards, would throw stones at men.
3 When St. Mary saw this woman, she pitied her; whereupon Satan presently left her, and fled away in the form of a young man, saying, Woe to me, because of thee, Mary, and thy son.
4 So the woman was delivered from her torment; but considering herself naked, she blushed, and avoided seeing any man, and having put on her clothes, went home, and gave an account of her case to her father and relations, who, as they were the best of the city, entertained St. Mary and Joseph with the greatest respect.
5 The next morning having received a sufficient supply of provisions for the road, they went from them, and about the evening of the day arrived at another town, where a marriage was then about to be solemnized; but by the arts of Satan and the practices of some sorcerers, the bride was become so dumb, that she could not so much as open her mouth.
6 But when this dumb bride saw the Lady St. Mary entering into the town, and carrying the Lord Christ in her arms, she stretched out her hands to the Lord Christ, and took him in her arms, and closely hugging him, very often kissed him, continually moving him and pressing him to her body.
7 Straightway the string of her tongue was loosed, and her ears were opened, and she began to sing praises unto God, who had restored her.
8 So there was great joy among the inhabitants of the town that night, who thought that God and his angels were come down among them.
9 In this place they abode three days, meeting with the greatest respect and most splendid entertainment.
10 And being then furnished by the people with provisions for the road, they departed and went to another city, in which they were inclined to lodge, because it was a famous place.
11 There was in this city a gentlewoman, who, as she went down one day to the river to bathe, behold cursed Satan leaped upon her in the form of a serpent,
12 And folded himself about her belly, and every night lay upon her.
13 This woman seeing the Lady St. Mary, and the Lord Christ the infant in her bosom, asked the Lady St. Mary, that she would give her the child to kiss, and carry in her arms.
14 When she had consented, and as soon as the woman had moved the child, Satan left her, and fled away, nor did the woman ever afterwards see him.
15 Hereupon all the neighbours praised the Supreme God, and the woman rewarded them with ample beneficence.
16 On the morrow the same woman brought perfumed water to wash the Lord Jesus; and when she had washed him, she preserved the water.
17 And there was a girl there, whose body was white with a leprosy, who being sprinkled with this water, and washed, was instantly cleansed from her leprosy.
18 The people therefore said Without doubt Joseph and Mary, and that boy are Gods, for they do not look like mortals.
19 And when they were making ready to go away, the girl, who had been troubled with the leprosy, came and desired they would permit her to go along with them; so they consented, and the girl went with them till. they came to a city, in which was the palace of a great king, and whose house was not far from the inn.
20 Here they staid, and when the girl went one day to the prince’s wife, and found her in a sorrowful and mournful condition, she asked her the reason of her tears.
21 She replied, Wonder not at my groans, for I am under a great misfortune, of which I dare not tell any one.
22 But, says the girl, if you will entrust me with your private grievance, perhaps I may find you a remedy for it.
23 Thou, therefore, says the prince’s wife, shalt keep the secret, and not discover it to any one alive!
24 I have been married to this prince, who rules as king over large dominions, and lived long with him, before he had any child by me.
25 At length I conceived by him, but alas! I brought forth a leprous son; which, when he saw, he would not own to be his, but said to me,
26 Either do thou kill him, or send him to some nurse in such a place, that he may be never heard of; and now take care of yourself; I will never see you more.
27 So here I pine, lamenting my wretched and miserable circumstances. Alas, my son! alas, my husband! Have I disclosed it to you?
28 The girl replied, I have found a remedy for your disease, which I promise you, for I also was leprous, but God hath cleansed me, even he who is called Jesus, the son of the Lady Mary.
29 The woman inquiring where that God was, whom she spake of, the girl answered He lodges with you here in the same house.
30 But how can this be? says she; where is he? Behold, replied the girl, Joseph and Mary; and the infant who is with them is called Jesus: and it is he who delivered me from my disease and torment.
31 But by what means, says she, were you cleansed from your leprosy? Will you not tell me that?
32 Why not? says the girl; I took the water with which his body had been washed, and poured it upon me, and my leprosy vanished.
33 The prince’s wife then arose and entertained them, providing a great feast for Joseph among a large company of men.
34 And the next day took perfumed water to wash the Lord Jesus, and afterwards poured the same water upon her son, whom she had brought with her, and her son was instantly cleansed from his leprosy.
35 Then she sang thanks and praises unto God, and said, Blessed is the mother that bare thee, O Jesus!
36 Dost thou thus cure men of the same nature with thyself, with the water with which thy body is washed?
37 She then offered very large gifts to the Lady Mary, and sent her away with all imaginable respect.
The first tale is amazing: a woman tied with chains and cords, breaks them to go fetch some water. Was her name Jill or Samson-a?
In these days, Satan was all over the place, causing mostly women to go around naked. Now we know for sure that naked people are possessed either by Satan or a devil. Luckily, Mary and baby Jesus are getting rid of demons, left and right. Many things happened in those days, that we don’t see anymore; like “whereupon Satan presently left her, and fled away in the form of a young man”.
In verse 6, we are presented with the story of the bride who sexually assaulted baby Jesus, right in the presence of his mom. Soon thereafter, in verse 11, we learn that another woman had an encounter when “Satan leaped upon her in the form of a serpent.”
Verse 17 offered the cure for leprosy. If this was known, then, why did so many people were affected by leprosy? In Western Europe, it reached its peak during the Middle Ages, at a time when the disease was viewed as rendering the person “unclean”. Many “lazar houses” were built. Patients had to carry bells to signal their presence but also to attract charitable gifts.
And, of course, not one, but 2 pink elephants in the story: no date, no exact location. It would have been so helpful if God, who inspired the bible, knew what the hell he was doing. But, at least, now you can expand on the list of miracles and are not longer limited to the water turned into wine.