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Biblical stupidity part 63

There are 7427 blatant absurdities in the bible. Among them:
These are a few passages that every parent should read to their kids, in the car, on their way to church. Found in the bible, they are examples of God’s potty mouth, that are so disgusting, so vile, that you will never, ever, hear them in a church, temple or religious hole in the wall. The ‘cafeteria’ leaders make sure you don’t hear these passages from them when they go to the biblical buffet table to pick and choose whatever biblical verses that can maximize their impact on your wallet.
-Psalms 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. (Demented criminal lunacy and infanticide, mentally disturbed and preoccupied with brutality. It is still done today; bombs from airplanes are used instead of stones.)
-Proverbs 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. (Condoning child abuse)

-Leviticus 20:10 And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. (God shall surely be put to death for this one)

-Mark 12:19 Master, Moses wrote unto us, If a man’s brother die, and leave his wife behind him, and leave no children, that his brother should take his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother. (Condoning adultery)

-Matthew 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. (Mind control)

-Leviticus 19:27 Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.28 Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD. (Banning barbershop and tattoo parlor. See below)

-Mark 9:43 And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: (Condoning body mutilations. See above.)

-Exodus 22:16 And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife.17 If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins. (Condoning rape and slavery)

-Proverbs 22:14 The mouth of strange women is a deep pit: he that is abhorred of the LORD shall fall therein. (Potty mouth God)

-Nahum 3:5-6 “Behold, I am against thee, saith the LORD of hosts; and I will discover thy skirts upon thy face, and I will shew the nations thy nakedness, and the kingdoms thy shame. And I will cast abominable filth upon thee, and make the vile, and will set thee as gazingstock.” (God’s filthy delirious ways)
-Nahum 3:6 NJB “Look, I am against you!- declares Yahweh Saboath- I shall lift your skirts as high as your face and show your nakedness to the nations, your shame to the kingdoms. I shall pelt you with filth.” (Same as above)
-2 Chronicles 12:18-19 “And after all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease. And it came to pass, that in process of time, after the end of two years, his bowels fell out by reason of sickness: so he died of sore diseases. And his people made no burning for him, like the burning of his fathers.” (Condoning crimes against humanity, violence, suffering and depraved biological warfare)
-Malachi 2:3 Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it. (God’s poop fetish)

-Isaiah 16:11 Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh. (God’s other fetish, farting)

-Isaiah 20:2 At the same time spake the LORD by Isaiah the son of Amoz, saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot.3 And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder upon Egypt and upon Ethiopia;4 So shall the king of Assyria lead away the Egyptians prisoners, and the Ethiopians captives, young and old, naked and barefoot, even with their buttocks uncovered, to the shame of Egypt.
(Religious services would be a lot more fun if the officiating crooks and thieves would follow the words of their boss and show the glory of God by preaching naked.)

These are not words, deeds, exploits that belong in the resume of a good, merciful and loving God. And many feel no shame in teaching that crap to their kids. This biblical cesspool is what your pastor, priest, evangelist, spiritual leader, use to get tax free money from you so s/he can afford a mansion, airplane, expensive cars, flashy jewelry, air-conditioned dog house, shopping spree for the mistress, drugs and the service of hookers.

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Sausage recall

The news is out: A food manufacturing company is recalling over 29,000 pounds of Jimmy Dean frozen sausage links after five people called the U.S. Food Safety and Inspection Service to report they found metal pieces in the product, according to the Department of Agriculture.
CTI Foods LLC, a Kentucky-based company that produces Jimmy Dean sausage, recalled the “Heat ’n Serve” pork and turkey links on Monday.
Jimmy Dean said in a statement that several consumers discovered “small, string-like fragments of metal in the product.”
“Though the fragments have been found in a very limited number of packages, out of an abundance of caution, CTI is recalling 29,028 pounds of product,” the company said on its website. “Jimmy Dean is closely monitoring this recall and working with CTI to assure proper coordination with the USDA.”
No injuries were reported in connection with the contamination, the USDA said.

Biblical stupidity part 62

There are 7427 blatant absurdities in the bible. Among them:
There are many times when one must wonder if God was drunk or high when he inspired his book, because the Bible ended up with some very nasty verses. These are a few passages that every parent should read to their kids, in the car, on their way to church. Don’t expect the officiating crook and thief to mention them when his mind is locked on collecting tax free donations.

-Deuteronomy 28:57 And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them for want of all things secretly in the siege and straitness, wherewith thine enemy shall distress thee in thy gates. (Cannibalism, violence and incest)

-Leviticus 26:29 And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. (Cannibalism and incest)

-2 Kings 6:29 So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son. (Cannibalism and murder)

-Hosea 13:16 Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up. (Murder and violence toward women)

-Jeremiah 13:14 And I will dash them one against another, even the fathers and the sons together, saith the LORD: I will not pity, nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them. (Pure demonic hatred and murder)

-Deuteronomy 22:28 If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found;29 Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days. (Condoning rape)

-Ephesians 6:5 Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ; (Condoning slavery)

-1 Peter 2:18 Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward.19 For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. (Condoning slavery)

-1 Timothy 2:12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.13 For Adam was first formed, then Eve.14 And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. (Hatred and oppression of women)

-Exodus 21:20 And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished.21 Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money. (Condoning violence and slavery)

-Deuteronomy 23:1 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.2 A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.3 An Ammonite or Moabite shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to their tenth generation shall they not enter into the congregation of the LORD for ever:
(According to the Bible, and regardless of his righteousness or goodwill toward men, but just because he had testicular cancer, a good man should never enter a Church or Temple.
Also pity the child of a mother who, for whatever reason, including rape, may have born him out of wedlock. He too should, according to the Bible, never enter the Lord’s congregation. Once again, the bastard Jesus broke God’s word whenever he stepped into a temple.)
These are not words, deeds, exploits that belong in the resume of a good, merciful and loving God. And many feel no shame in teaching that crap to their kids. This biblical cesspool is what your pastor, priest, evangelist, spiritual leader, use to get tax free money from you so s/he can afford a mansion, airplane, expensive cars, flashy jewelry, air-conditioned dog house, shopping spree for the mistress, drugs and the service of hookers.

The nuns got some

The news is out: Two Roman Catholic nuns have admitted to embezzling $500,000 from a parochial school in Torrance, California, according to news reports. They are believed to have spent some of the money on travel and casino gambling.
“It is with much sadness that I am informing families of St. James School that an internal investigation has revealed that, over a period of years, Sister Mary Margaret Kreuper and Sister Lana Chang have been involved in the personal use of a substantial amount of School funds,” Monsignor Michael Meyers wrote in a letter dated Nov. 28.
The matter came to the attention of church officials in an audit related to a change in leadership at the school, Meyers said. No other school personnel are believed to be involved in the embezzlement.
Sister Mary Margaret had been principal of the school for 28 years before retiring in June, CNN said. Sister Lana was an eighth grade teacher for 20 years at the K-8 school. She also retired this year.
“Sister Mary Margaret and Sister Lana have expressed to me and asked that I convey to you, the deep remorse they each feel for their actions and ask for your forgiveness and prayers,” Meyers’ letter said. “They and their Order pray that you have not lost trust or faith in the educators and administrators of the school.”

Biblical stupidity part 61

There are 7427 blatant absurdities in the bible. Among them:
There are many times when God had a wet dream and the Bible ended up with some very XXX rated, dirty, nasty stories. It should be a deadly sin if one fails to wash his/her hands after reading the bible. It is that dirty.

Nothing in God’s good book tops what happened right before God caused the famous flood that left no geological evidence, drowned all the babies in their cribs and destroyed everything on the earth, except for Noah and the contents of his boat.
(-Genesis 6:1 And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,2 That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.3 And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.4 There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.5 And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.6 And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.7 And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.)

Again, we are forced to ask a few simple questions. Who are these sons of God? If they are angels, they would be on the lowest echelon. From the highest to the lowest in rank, the orders are: seraphim, cherubim, thrones, dominations or dominions, virtues, powers, principalities, archangels, and angels.
An angel is a mythical being, genderless, so how did they go in unto the daughters of men to get them pregnant? Was God watching? If he didn’t like what was going on, why didn’t an omnipotent God stop the whole thing? Of all the perversions mankind has ever indulged in, it appears the angel-hottie sex was the one thing that was just too weird for God, to the point that everyone else had to die for it.
If God is omniscient, why didn’t he start the world after the flood, and avoid slaughtering so many innocent lives? Why did God repent that he had created everything, if he is omniscient? Was there another way besides genocide, that God could have fixed his screw-ups? After all, Jesus was in heaven, doing absolutely nothing, collecting dust, waiting for the chance to have sex with his own mom in order to be born.
Lot and Noah should be enough signs to the believers, from a sexually frustrated God. So if you happen to meet an angel, motorboating is okay, but keep it in your pants, unless you want to cause a flood. A perfect God, yet saddled with repentance and grievance.

Biblical stupidity part 60

There are 7427 blatant absurdities in the bible. Among them:
There are many times when God had a wet dream and the Bible ended up with some very XXX rated, dirty, nasty stories. It should be a deadly sin if one fails to wash his/her hands after reading the bible. It is that dirty.

If you ever find yourself in a motel or hotel room and forgot to bring your Playboy magazines, don’t despair, just reach into the drawer of the night stand. There you will find something better than any slutty magazine: the holy bible. Open God’s dirty book at the Song of Solomon. It is about boobs, milk jugs, tatas, bosom, knockers, hooters, mammary glands, jugs, suckers, bazookas, udder, melons, bazongas, breasteses, cans, chest puppies, headlights, fun bags, gazongas, naughty pillows, sweater meat, twins, bikini stuffers, globes, sweater stretchers, speed bumps, boulders, lady bubbles, casabas. Yes, the whole thing is pretty much “Titties, titties, and more titties”.
(-Song of Solomon 1:13 A bundle of myrrh is my wellbeloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts.
-Song of Solomon 2:5 Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick of love.6 His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me.
-Song of Solomon 4:5 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.
-Song of Solomon 4:16 Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.
-Song of Solomon 5:1 I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk: eat, O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly, O beloved.2 I sleep, but my heart waketh: it is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled: for my head is filled with dew, and my locks with the drops of the night.3 I have put off my coat; how shall I put it on? I have washed my feet; how shall I defile them?4 My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.
-Song of Solomon 7:6 How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!7 This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.8 I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;
-Song of Solomon 8:10 I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour.)

If Solomon had stuck around to write the whole Bible, we would have way more people reading the dirty book, instead of carrying it under their armpits.
If you pray and don’t get an answer, if you witness bad things happening and God is nowhere to be found, rest assured that he is somewhere in a closet, on his throne, reading the Song of Solomon and letting out some steamy cloud.
The next time your significant other meets you at the door, in lingerie, don’t forget to say: “My beloved put his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him”.

Biblical stupidity part 59

There are 7427 blatant absurdities in the bible. Among them:
There are many times when God had a wet dream and the Bible ended up with some very XXX rated, dirty, nasty stories. It should be a deadly sin if one fails to wash his/her hands after reading the bible. It is that dirty.

Onan and Er are biblical brothers; thus we can expect the same biblical scenario: one good and the other wicked of course. So God kills Er. A few days after the funeral, Judah, Onan’s dad, told him to go in unto his dead brother’s wife, whose name is Tamar. Onan obliges and does the deed with Tamar, but, at the last moment, he pulls out. Maybe he was thinking about child support. Too bad for him… because God was watching.
(-Genesis 38:1 And it came to pass at that time, that Judah went down from his brethren, and turned in to a certain Adullamite, whose name was Hirah.2 And Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite, whose name was Shuah; and he took her, and went in unto her.3 And she conceived, and bare a son; and he called his name Er.4 And she conceived again, and bare a son; and she called his name Onan.5 And she yet again conceived, and bare a son; and called his name Shelah: and he was at Chezib, when she bare him.6 And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar.7 And Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him.8 And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.10 And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.11 Then said Judah to Tamar his daughter in law, Remain a widow at thy father’s house, till Shelah my son be grown: for he said, Lest peradventure he die also, as his brethren did. And Tamar went and dwelt in her father’s house.)

This is the passage that biblical peddlers use to make masturbation a sin, even when Onan did not masturbate at all. He pulled out. God didn’t kill him for going in unto his brother’s widow, he culled him for pulling out. So all you non-finishing condom wearers, beware. I feel very lucky, because if God killed everyone who masturbated, I would have been dead a long time ago.
—– Part deux —
Not too long after the deaths of Er and Onan, her two lovers, Tamar was back in the desert news. The last time we left Tamar, Judah asked her to go back to and stay at her dad’s place. Somehow:
[-Genesis 38:15 When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot; because she had covered her face.16 And he turned unto her by the way, and said, Go to, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee; (for he knew not that she was his daughter in law.) And she said, What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me?]
Instead of “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”, we are privileged to learn the best biblical excuse of all times: “I thought she was a prostitute, but she was really my daughter-in-law!” Yes, after the death of his two sons, daddy Judah went in unto Tamar and got her pregnant. She must have been better looking than Jacob’s other wife, Rachel.
(Leviticus 20:12 And if a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their blood shall be upon them.)
Let’s wonder no more about love in the countryside, at a family reunion or in the field. (Exodus 22:19 Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death.)